Stand down

If you, like me, sincerely loathe perpetual romantic waffler Archie Andrews, you've probably seen all those exciting "Archie to Die!" headlines. Don't get your hopes up, guys: according to CNN, the only Archie who is going to shuffle off this mortal coil is the star of the Life With Archie comics, a spin-off series that focuses on possible Archie futures. The normal, teenage Archie will live on to inexplicably attract the attention of two hot girls for years—hell, decades—to come.